


Incorrect Quotes: Chaldea Edition

by DraketheDragon



Series: Servant Shenanigans [1]
Category: Fate/Grand Order, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack, Gen, Incorrect Quotes, That is It, This is literally something I did because I was bored, You Have Been Warned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:53:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 6,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27215227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DraketheDragon/pseuds/DraketheDragon
Summary: Uhhh . . . literally just the title.
Relationships: Cú Chulainn | Caster/Heroic Spirit Shadow EMIYA | Archer, Cú Chulainn | Lancer (Fate/Prototype)/Fuuma Kotarou | Assassin, Cú Chulainn | Lancer/Heroic Spirit EMIYA | Archer, Frankenstein's Monster | Berserker of Black/Mordred | Saber of Red, Irisviel von Einzbern/Arturia Pendragon | Saber, Jeanne d'Arc Alter | Avenger/Artoria Pendragon Alter | Saber
Series: Servant Shenanigans [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1854901
Comments: 111
Kudos: 190





	1. Chaos Crew

**Author's Note:**

> Just something stupid because I was listening to critrole and then got dragged down an incorrect quotes rabbit hole. You're welcome.

**Mordred** : Okay okay stop asking me whether I’m straight, gay, bi, or whatever. I identify as a FUCKING THREAT!

**Diarmuid** : Can you please be serious for five minutes?

**Achilles** : My record is four, but I think I can do it.

**Cu** : Truth or dare?

**Achilles** : Dare

**Cu** : I dare you to kiss the hottest person in the room

**Achilles** : Hey Mordred

**Mordred** , annoyed: Yeah?

**Achilles** : Could you move? I’m trying to get to Diarmuid.

**Diarmuid** : I’m leaving.

**Diarmuid** : How did none of you hear what I just said?

**Achilles** : I’ve been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.

**Cu** : I got distracted about halfway through.

**Mordred** : Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

**Cu** : On a scale from “damn Daniel” to “fre sha vaca do”, how are you feeling?

**Achilles** : In between “it’s an avocado, thanks” and “how did you defeat Captain America”, but as a solid answer I would say “I don’t need a degree to be a clothing hanger”. How about you, Mordred?

**Mordred** : Probably “road work ahead”.

**Diarmuid** : I speak many languages, and this is none of them.

**Mordred** : I think Diarmuid was right.

**Cu** : I'm surprised he hasn't marched in here to say 'I told you so.'

**Achilles** : He wouldn't do that.

**Diarmuid** : You're right, Achilles. For once in your life, you're 100% right. I would never say that.

**Diarmuid** : *turns around, the shirt he’s wearing says 'Diarmuid Told You So' on the back*

**Achilles** : In my defense, I was left unsupervised.

**Diarmuid** : Wasn't Cu and Mordred with you?

**Cu** : In my defense, I was also left unsupervised.

**Mordred** : Ditto.


	2. EMIYA&Cu feat. Jalter and Artoria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe people are reading this, why?? Anyway, thank you for your comments and kudos! Hope you have a lovely day!
> 
> This will update on Mondays.

**Emiya** : This is a mistake.

**Cu** , enthusiastically: A mistake we're going to laugh about one day!

**Emiya** : But not today.

**Cu** , still enthusiastic: Oh, no. Today's going to be a mess.

**Cu** , pointing: May I sit there?

**Emiya** : That's my lap.

**Cu** : That doesn't answer my question, Emiya.

**Emiya** : I’m going to take you out.

**Cu** : Great, it’s a date!

**Emiya** : I meant that as a threat.

**Cu** : See you at five!

**Cu** : I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives.

**Emiya** : I wake up at 4:30 AM.

**Cu** :

**Cu** : I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives.

During one of their Holy Grail Wars

**Cu’s Master** : I know you snuck out last night, Lancer.

**Emiya** , telepathically: Play dumb!

**Cu** : Who's Lancer?

**Emiya** , telepathically: NOT THAT DUMB!!!

**Emiya** : *Walking in to a room* Sorry I’m late . . . I was . . . doing things.

*Sounds of running footsteps progressively getting louder*

**Cu** : *Out of breath* HE PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKIN’ STAIRS.

Alternatively

**Emiya** :*Walking in to a room* Sorry I’m late . . . I was . . . doing things.

**Cu** : *Walking in after him* Hi. I’m things.

**Emiya:** *Answers phone.* Hello?

**Cu:** It's Cu.

**Emiya:** What did he do this time?

**Cu:** No, it's me, Cu. It's actually me.

**Emiya:** What did you do this time?

**Emiya:** Are you trying to seduce me?

**Cu:** Why, are you seducible?

**Emiya** : What time is it?

**Cu** : I don’t know; pass me that saxophone and we’ll find out.

**Cu** : *Plays sax loudly and extremely out of tune*

**Jalter** : WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT TWO IN THE MORNING!

**Cu** : It’s 2 am.

**Artoria** : Are you the big spoon or the little spoon?

**Emiya** : I'm a knife.

**Cu** , from across the room: He’s the little spoon.


	3. A Cohort of Chulainns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your comments and kudos! They are greatly appreciated! Stay safe, stay healthy, and I hope you have a wonderful day!

**Cu** : Come on, I wasn’t that drunk last night.

 **Alter** : You were flirting with Emiya.

 **Cu** : So what? He’s my boyfriend.

 **Alter** : You asked him if he was single.

 **Cu** :

 **Alter** : And then you cried when he said he wasn't.

**Proto** : Who thinks I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?

 **Alter** : You’re a hazard to society.

 **CasCu** : And a coward. DO TWENTY.

**Proto** : If you had to choose between CasCu and all the money I have in my wallet, which would you choose?

 **Alter** : That depends, how much money are we talking about?

 **CasCu** : Alter!

 **Proto** : 63 cents.

 **Alter** : I'll take the money.

 **CasCu** : **_Alter!!!_ **

**CasCu** : You’ll have a hard time believing this because it never happens, but I made a mistake.

 **The rest of the Chulainns** , immediately: We believe it.

**CasCu** : There is no future. there is no past. do you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet.

 **Proto** :

 **Cu** :

 **Alter** :

 **Everyone Else At the Chulainns’ Surprise Birthday Party** :

 **Proto** : All I asked was if you wanted to cut the birthday cake first.

**Cu** : Yo is Alter sleeping or dead?

 **CasCu** : Hopefully dead, I hated his guts.

 **Proto** : Yeah, so did I.

 **Alter** : Okay first of all, fuck you-

**CasCu:** Uh oh.

 **Proto:** What?

 **CasCu:** Somebody's in love.

 **Proto:** Yeah, right. I just think Fuuma's cool. It's not like I lay awake at night thinking about him.

 **Proto, later that night:** Uh oh.


	4. Teenaged Terrors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuuma, Fran, Proto, and Mordred

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your comments and kudos! You all are the best! Hope you enjoy and have a lovely day!

**Fran** : The moon sure is beautiful tonight.

**Proto** : Do you know who else is beautiful?

**Fran** : Mordred.

**Proto** : Fuuma.

**Both** : (sighs)

**Mordred** : Diarmuid told me that if you can’t sleep at night, then someone’s thinking about you.

**Kotarou** : Who would be thinking about us at 1AM?

**Fran and Proto** : (cold sweat)

**Kotarou** , tending to Proto's wounds: How would you rate your pain?

**Proto** : Zero stars. Would NOT recommend.

**Mordred** : I think we're missing something.

**Fran** : Teamwork?

**Kotarou** : Cohesion?

**Proto** : A general sense of what we’re doing?

**Proto** : *Screams*

**Mordred** : *Screams louder to assert dominance*

**Kotarou** : Should we do something?!

**Fran** , observing: No, I want to see who wins this.

**Kotarou** : Is stabbing someone immoral?

**Proto** : Not if they consent to it.

**Mordred** : Depends who you’re stabbing.

**Fran** : YES?!?

**Fran** : I've already sent good vibes your way… they’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them.

**Mordred** : This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.

**Kotarou** : You often use humor to deflect trauma

**Proto** : Thank you

**Kotarou** : I didn't say that was a good thing

**Proto** : What I'm hearing is, you think I'm funny

**Mordred** : I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.

**Proto** : You're like, 9 years old

**Mordred** : I MIGHT DIE AT 18!

**Kotarou** : Not trying to brag or anything, but I can wake up without an alarm clock now simply due to my crippling and overwhelming anxiety, so . . .

**Kotarou** , to Mordred: I’d like to offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals.

**Fran** : Hey, you want some leftovers?

**Mordred** : What's that?

**Fran** : You've never had leftovers???

**Mordred** : No, because I'm not a quitter.

**Guda** : You’re receiving a ticket for having three people on one motorcycle.

**Proto** : Shit.

**Kotarou** : Wait, three?

**Guda** : Yeah?

**Mordred** : OH MY GOD FRAN FELL OFF!!!

**Kotarou** : Quick, what’s your type?

**Proto** , bleeding out: Short, shy, sweet, with red hair and -

**Kotarou** , confused and worried: How long have you been bleeding out? Mordred! What’s Proto’s blood type?

**Mordred** , looks at Proto’s blood: I’m going to say red.

**Fran and Kotarou** :

**Fran** : A positive

**Kotarou** : Thank you for being the only other sane person here.

**Mordred:** Okay, yeah, I LOVE Fran! I have loving feelings for Fran. But does that mean I am IN love with her? No-

**Mordred:** Oh my god. I’m in love with Fran.

**Mordred** , to the rest of the squad: Why didn’t you guys tell me?

**Proto:** We thought you knew.


	5. Knights of the Round Table

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Artoria, Mordred, Lancelot, Bedivere, and Lilly, Ft. Irisviel, Salter, the Lion King, Agravain, and Gawain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey ya'll! In celebration of the upcoming ending of Sometimes the Fire Burns to Bright (nd my subsequent mental breakdown once it is finished) have some knights! Thank you all for your comments and kudos, I hope you enjoy, and have a wonderful day!

**Bedivere** : What’s something you guys are better than Artoria at?

**Mordred** : Mario Kart.

**Lancelot** : Yeah, video games.

**Lily** : Emotional vulnerability.

**Artoria** : You're a loose cannon, Mordred.

**Mordred** : No, I'm not. I'm a cannon maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?

**Lily** : I think you play by your own rules.

**Bedivere** : No way, he thinks rules were made to be broken.

**Artoria** : Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.

**Mordred** : No, I'm just a reckless renegade. Beserkalot is a loose cannon.

**Berserkalot** : *smashes a chair*

**Lily** : Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.

**Mordred** : This knife is actually a magic wand.

**Lancelot** : Meet me in the Denny’s parking lot for a wizard duel.

**Bedivere** : *cocks gun* Magic missile.

**Artoria** : What is wrong with you people?

**Artoria** : Good morning.

**Bedivere** : Good morning.

**Lancelot** : Good morning.

**Lily** : You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.

**Mordred** : MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!

**Artoria** : You know, I'm starting to regret showing you how that blender works.

**Bedivere** , drinking toast: Why do you say that?

**Salter:** [Pointing at the broken coffee machine.] So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.

**Bedivere:** . . . I did. I broke it.

**Salter:** No. No you didn't. Gawain?

**Gawain:** Don't look at me. Look at Mordred.

**Mordred:** What?! I didn't break it.

**Gawain:** Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?

**Mordred:** Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.

**Gawain:** Suspicious.

**Mordred:** No it's not!

**Lily:** If it matters, probably not, but Lancelot was the last one to use it.

**Lancelot:** Liar! I don't even drink that crap!

**Lily:** Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

**Lancelot:** I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Lily!

**Bedivere:** Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Salter.

**Salter:** No! Who broke it!?

**Mordred:** Salter . . . Father's been awfully quiet.

**Artoria:** REALLY?!

[Everyone starts arguing.]

**Salter:** I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.

**Salter:**. . .

**Salter:** Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

**Artoria** : Nothing in life is free.

**Lily** : Love is free!

**Lancelot** : Adventure is free.

**Bedivere** : Knowledge is free.

**Mordred** : Everything is free if you take it without paying.

**Lily** : Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the items you have lost throughout your life

**Lancelot** : Self-esteem, haven't seen you in years!

**Artoria** : Oh wow, my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this!

**Bedivere** : I knew I lost that potential somewhere!

**Mordred** : My moral code, is that you?

**Lily** : . . .

**Lily** : I was just gonna show you this cool trunk my mother left me but do you guys need a hug?

**Lily** : Good responses for being stabbed with a knife?

**Bedivere** : Rude.

**Lancelot** : That’s fair.

**Artoria** : Not again.

**Mordred** : Are you going to want this back?

**Artoria** , walking into her house: Hello, people who do not live here.

**Mordred** : Hey.

**Lancelot** : Hi.

**Bedivere** : Hello.

**Lily** : Hey!

**Artoria** : I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!

**Mordred** : We were out of Doritos.

*Knights of the Round Table reactions to being told ‘I love you’*

**Artoria** : Thanks fam!

**Lancelot** : Oh no.

**Lily** : *cries* I love you too.

**Mordred** : Sounds fake but okay.

**Bedivere** : *A flustered mess*

**Agravain** : Can I get a refund.

**Mordred** : Rules are made to be broken.

**Artoria** : They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken.

**Lily** : Uh, piñatas.

**Lancelot** : Glow sticks.

**Mordred** : Karate boards.

**Bedivere** : Spaghetti when you have a small pot.

**Mordred** : Rules.

**Artoria** : . . .

**Lily** : Dumbest scar stories, go!

**Bedivere** : I burned my tongue once drinking tea.

**Lancelot** : I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and burned it.

**Artoria** : I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand and I got a really bad burn.

**Mordred** : . . .

**Mordred** : I have emotional scars.

**Lily** : Artoria . . . How do I begin to explain Artoria?

**Lancelot** : Artoria is flawless.

**Bedivere** : I hear her hair's insured for $10,000.

**Irisviel** : I hear she does motorcycle commercials . . . in Japan.

**Mordred** : One time she punched me in the face . . . it was awesome.

**Mordred** : Who the fuck added me to this fucking group chat?

**Bedivere** : >:O language

**Lily** : Yeah watch your fucking language

**Lancelot** : OKAY WHO TAUGHT LILY THE FUCK WORD?

**Artoria** : 'The fuck word'.

**Irisviel** : Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time

**Lily** : Oh my god she censored it

**Mordred** : Say fuck, Irisviel.

**Lily** : Do it, Irisviel. Say fuck.

**Mordred,** holding Clarent : This bitch is empty, YEET!

**KOTR** : NO!

**Lancelot** , who has probably thrown his sword only to win with a stick or a rock : YES.

**The Lion King,** in Camelot: Some of you may die, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

**Lily** : I’m going to defeat you with the power of friendship! . . . And this knife I found.


	6. Keeping up with the Pendragons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mordred, Irisviel, and Artoria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This could also be considered a celebration of the completion of StFBtHI. Thank you for all your comments and kudos, I hope you enjoy these chapters and I hope you all have a wonderful day!

**Mordred** : What if I press the brake and gas at the same time?

**Irisviel** : The car takes a screenshot.

**Artoria** : For the last time, please get out of the car.

**Irisviel** : Mordred and I were crossing the street, and this dude drove by and honked at us

**Artoria** : *Sighing* What did Mordred do?

**Irisviel** : He chased him to the next red light, then reached into his window and . . .

**Mordred** : Who wants a steering wheel?

**Irisviel** : Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life

**Mordred** : Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?

**Irisviel** : Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.

**Artoria** : Edible.

**Irisviel** : Hey, it's your turn to wash dishes.

**Mordred** : I'LL WASH THE WALLS RED WITH YOUR BLOOD.

**Irisviel** : 'Kay, but before that, wash the dishes, also use soap this time?

**Mordred** : I am not out of control! I'm a law abiding citizen!

**Artoria** : Really? Name one law

**Mordred** : Don't kill people?

**Artoria** : That's on me. I set the bar too low.

**Mordred:** How do people not swear??? Like where does their anger go?? How do they show their enthusiasm??? What if they stub their toe??? Like saying golly gosh isn't really going to cut it Irisviel.

**Artoria** : Irisviel and I don’t use pet names.

**Mordred** : I see. Hey, what do bees make?

**Artoria** : Honey?

**Irisviel** : Yes, dear?

**Artoria** : . . .

**Mordred** : Don't ever lie to my face again.

**Irisviel** : So what’s for dinner?

**Artoria** , staring at the food she just burnt: Regret.

**Irisviel** : *holding a bottle* Is this whiskey or perfume?

**Mordred** : *chugs entire bottle*

**Mordred** : It’s perfume.

**Irisviel:** I’m an aggressive top. I have never once been submissive. It’s one of the few things I can boast about. I have never even been submissive to a traffic signal.

**Artoria:** You really should.

**Irisviel:** Never.


	7. Team Fran

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fran, Moriarity, and Babbage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, thank you all so much for your comments and kudos! Second off, if anyone who was reading this was also reading Proto and Fuuma's story, it was not deleted! Well, it was, but it's back up now! (There was a whole conundrum this morning, but it's the same version, so everything should be fine.) Back to regularly scheduled incorrect quotes! Hope you enjoy this chapter and have a good day!

**Fran** : We need to get through this locked door. Papa, give me your credit card.

**Moriarty** : Here.

**Fran** , pocketing it: Thanks. Babbage, kick down the door.

**Moriarty** : I am having a baby.

**Fran** : That's gre-

**Moriarty** , slamming adoption papers on the table: It's you, sign here.

**Fran** : Bitches be like “im baby” but have childhood trauma and neglect, like wtf do you know about being baby, you were forced to grow up from an early age, anyways I’m bitches.

**Moriarty** : 'Person of interest' is almost too flattering.

**Moriarty** : Like, if the police were to pound on my door and go, 'A man has been murdered in your building and you are a person of interest,' I'd be like, 'Moi? Oh, do go on.'

**Moriarty** : I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.

**Moriarty** : If I die, my funeral is going to be the biggest party ever and you’re all invited

**Babbage** : If?

**Fran** : Great, the only party I’ve ever been invited to and he might not even die.

**Moriarty** : Am I going too far?

**Fran** : No, no, no. You went too far about seven hours ago. Now you're going to prison.

**Fran** : Jail is no fun. I’ll tell you that much.

**Moriarty** : Oh, you’ve been?

**Fran** : Once. In Monopoly.

**Fran** : I can’t believe you live nearby, and you won’t let Babbage at your place.

**Moriarty** : He already knows too much about me.

**Babbage** : I know exactly three facts about you, and one of them is that you won’t let anyone but Fran crash at your place.

*The group is getting into the car*

**Fran** : I’m driving.

**Moriarty** , out of view: Shotgun!

**Babbage** , turning to face Moriarty: You had it on the way here-

**Everyone except** **Moriarty** : WOAH-

**Moriarty** , holding a shotgun: No! I found a shotgun! And I want the front seat! *Pumps gun*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, if you commented on Fuuma and Proto's story, I will reply in the notes when I post the next chapter. I still have your comments in my gmail, so everything should be good!


	8. Workout trio

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ft Martha, Beowulf, and Leonidas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Whose ready for the Christmas event? Me, it's me. Thank you all for your comments and kudos, and I hope you have a wonderful day and enjoy this chapter!

**Martha** : God, give me patience.

**Beowulf** : I think you mean 'give me strength'.

**Martha** : If God gave me strength, you'd be dead.

**Martha** : Would you stab your best friend in the leg for 10 million gold?

**Beowulf** : You stab me, and then when my leg gets better, we buy a big-ass house.

**Leonidas** : You can stab me too, then we'll have 20 million.

**Beowulf** : Good thinking.

**Beowulf** : Fitness tip: never stop pushing yourself. Some say 8 hours of sleep is enough. Why not keep going? Why not 9? Why not 10? Strive for greatness.

**Leonidas** : Next time you’re working out do 15 push ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat a whole cake instead of just a slice. Burn your ex’s house down. You can do it. I believe in you.

**Martha** : There were so many mixed messages in that I can’t-

**Leonidas** : HELP! I TOLD MARTHA I’D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN’T COOK!

**Beowulf** , pouring milk directly into the cereal bag: And you thought I could help?

**Martha** : Let me show you a picture from last night that really upset me

**Beowulf** : Okay, but in my defense, Leonidas bet me 50 cents I couldn’t drink all that shampoo.

**Martha** : That’s not what I wanted to- you drank SHAMPOO?!

**Beowulf,** walking in bloodied and bruised: . . . Hey, guys.

**Leonidas:** Oh my Ares! What happened to you!?

**Beowulf,** as Martha walks in: Martha misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day.

**Martha,** in tears: I am so sorry. I thought it was tradition!

**Leonidas:** I’ve conquered my fear of ghosts.

**Beowulf:** That’s the spirit!

**Leonidas:** Oh, fuck, where?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, fate server on discord! If anyone’s interested, here’s the link! https://discord.gg/VWvZ6sgavF Join us! It’ll be fun I swear.


	9. Christmas Edition!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ft Jalter, Jeanne, Jeanne Alter Santa Lilly (Jasel), Gilgamesh, Salter, Guda, Elizebeth, Nero, Bunyan, Alice, Budica, Jing Ki, Beowulf, Jaguar Man, Quetz, Bedivere, Achilles, Romani, and Attilla the Santa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, would you look of the amount of people in this chapter. This could also be called miscellaneous part one! Anyway, thank you all for your comments and kudos! Hope you all enjoy this chapter and have a wonderful day! Merry Christmas and happy holidays!

**Jalter:** I hope I get run over.

**Jeanne:** Aw, come on. It’s Christmas! Get in the spirit!

**Jalter:** [sighs] Fine, I wanna get run over by a reindeer.

**Jasel:** What are you gonna bring to Christmas dinner?

**Jalter:** My negative attitude and sparkling personality.

**Gilgamesh** : Dear mongrels, your Christmas gift this year . . . is me. That’s right, another year of kingship. Your membership has been renewed.

**Chaldea worker** : What should we leave out for Santa?

**Salter** : Santa prefers french fries and coke.

**Guda** , opening door: Yes, what do you need?

**Elizabeth and Nero** , begin singing carols.

**Guda,** slowly closes the door. 

**Bunyan:** Help, I’m trapped under the tree. The star’s tangled in my hair.

**Alice:** Why were you under the tree?

**Bunyan:**. . .

**Bunyan:**. . . because I’m a gift to this world?

**Boudica** : Where did the eggnog go?

**Jing Ki** : It wasn’t spiked enough.

**Jasel** : Where did all the reindeer go?

**Beowulf** , burps: . . .

**Jasel** : Okay, Master, you’re the replacement!

**Guda,** sighs: Let me go find my antlers.

**Jeanne:** All I want for Christmas -

**Jalter:** IS SILENCE!

**Jaguar Man** : Christmas is cancelled.

**Quetz** : You can’t cancel a holiday.

**Jaguar Man** : Keep it up, KuKu, and you’ll lose New Year’s.

**Quetz** : What does that mean?

**Jaguar Man** : Dark Kuku, take New Year’s away from Kuku.

**Jasel :** I don’t want to be a ghost.

**Salter :** Fuck that, I wanna be the ghost of Christmas yet to come.

**Salter :** You don’t have to talk, all you have to do is point, and you’re terrifying.

**Salter :** It’s the perfect job.

**Salter, to Jalter:** This Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, you said that was gay.

**Bedivere:** Every talk I have with you people gets more and more absurd!

**Achilles:** You say “you people” as if you’re not part of the family. Well, I’ve got news for you. You’re already on the Christmas card.

**Guda:** Christmas gets so much harder as you get older.

**Guda:** “What do you want for Christmas?” I don’t know.

**Guda:** Financial security? A stable job?

**Romani:** A nap would be nice.

**Attila the Santa** : Mentally I am ready for Christmas.

**Attila the Santa** : Financially I am not really for Christmas.

**Quetz** : Mentally you’re ready for Christmas???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to credit MorgothII for a great bit of these. Thanks for the help!


	10. Fuyuki Singularity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CasCu and Shadow!Emiya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I hope you had a great christmas, and hope you have a great new years! Thanks your all your comments and kudos, and I hope you enjoy this chapter and have a wonderful day!

**CasCu** : We had a bonding moment! I cradled you in my arms!

 **Shadow!Emiya** : Nope. Don’t remember. Didn’t happen.

**Shadow!Emiya** : Hey, CasCu. Wanna hang out?

 **CasCu** : Generic excuse.

 **Shadow!Emiya** : Did you just say “Generic excuse”?

 **CasCu** : . . .

 **CasCu** : Yes.

 **Shadow!Emiya** : . . .

 **Shadow!Emiya** : This is why I hate you.

**Shadow!Emiya** : What the fuck is wrong with you?!

 **CasCu** : Wow, you could start with a 'good morning'.

 **Shadow!Emiya** : Good morning. What the fuck is wrong with you?!

**CasCu** : You know, not every problem can be solved with a sword.

 **Shadow!Emiya** : That's why I carry two swords.

**Shadow!Emiya** : CasCu and I have the kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's-

 **CasCu** : Sentences.

 **Shadow!Emiya** : Don't interrupt me.

**Assassin** : *transforms to look like CasCu*

 **CasCu** : Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could drag comb through that hair you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10.

 **Shadow!Emiya** : I don’t know, looks the same to me.

 **CasCu** : Well fuck you too.

**Shadow!Emiya** : People are always asking me if I'm a morning person or a night person.

 **Shadow!Emiya** : And I'm just like, 'Buddy! I'm barely even a PERSON!'

**CasCu** , trying to cheer Shadow!Emiya up: Things could be worse, you know!

 **Shadow!Emiya** : How?

 **CasCu** : How what?

 **Shadow!Emiya** : How could they be worse?

 **CasCu** : They couldn’t, I lied.

 **Shadow!Emiya** : . . .

**Shadow!Emiya** : If you were to vacuum up jello through a metal tube, well I think that’d be a neat noise

 **CasCu** : I beg to differ

 **Shadow!Emiya** : Then beg

**Shadow!Emiya:** Know why I called you in here?

 **CasCu:** Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic.

 **Shadow!Emiya:** *Stops pouring two glasses of wine.* Accidentally?

**Shadow!Emiya:** I made tea.

 **CasCu:** I don't want tea.

 **Shadow!Emiya:** I didn't make tea for you. This is my tea.

 **CasCu:** Then why are you telling me?

 **Shadow!Emiya:** It's a conversation starter.

 **CasCu:** That's a lousy conversation starter.

 **Shadow!Emiya:** Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.

**Alter:** Oh please, CasCu. You loathe-slash-love Shadow!Emiya. And he loathe-slash-loves you back, which is pretty much one step away from matrimony.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> . . . this only exists bc I was trying to figure out Shadow!Emiya's personality. Why? 
> 
> . . . plans for the future. *insert evil laugh here*


	11. Miscellaneous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a bunch of randoms, kinda like Christmas but not Christmas themed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thanks so much for your comments and kudos, and I'm super glad you're enjoying this silliness! Here's to a new year and I hope you have a great day!

**Guda** **:** I’m sick and tired of being called 'mortal' like, you don’t know that. Neither do I. I have never died even ONCE. Nothing has been proven yet. Stop making assumptions. It’s rude.

**Tomoe** , playing a VR game **:** You see, that’s the thing. It PROBABLY is fine. It’s PROBABLY 100% okay. There are PROBABLY no spiders in this headset.

**Tomoe** **:** BUT- as you may be able to relate to- If you find a spider in your headset, and then have to put that headset on to play video games . . .

**Tomoe** **:** YoU jUsT dOnT gEt ToO cOMfOrTaBlE.

**Billy the Kid** **:** Died and came back as a cowboy, I call that reintarnation.

**Nightingale** **:** I’m a healer but - *Cocks gun*

**Salter** **:** You seem familiar, have I threatened you before?

**Jalter** **:** I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than fuck.

**Salter** **:** Top 30 reasons why Jalter is sorry... Number 5 will surprise you.

**Jalter** **:** Top 30 anime deaths. Number One: YOUR FUCKING ASS RIGHT NOW!!!

**Jalter:** You and me? We both want the same thing… But we’re gonna have to work… [turns away] near each other.

**Salter:** You mean together?

**Jalter,** swings back around angrily **:** Did you hear me say together??

**Carmilla:** God nerfed me by making me allergic to garlic and sunlight.

**Vlad:** So, a vampire?

**Carmilla:** I can confirm that I am not a vampire as I have blood.

**Vlad:** Is it your blood?

**Carmilla:** It is blood, yes.

**Vlad:** Is it blood that has always belonged to you, from the moment of your spawning?

**Carmilla:** It is blood, it is in my possession, therefore it is my blood.

**Jalter:** I don’t dress to impress. I dress to depress. I wanna look so good people hate themselves.

**Medea:** I love knitting needles. I can make a scarf. I can make a hat. I can kill Jason. I can make mittens. I can make -

**Vlad:** Wait a minute, what was that middle one?

**Medea:** . . .

**Medea:** I can make a hat.

**Jack:** I started carrying a knife after an attempted murder a few years ago. Since then, my murder attempts have been a lot more successful.

**Guda:** You love me, right, Mash?

**Mash:** Normally, I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere and I don’t like it.

**Boudica:** How many kids do you have?

**Emiya:** Biologically, emotionally, or legally?

**Alice:** I’m gonna need a human skull and I can't have you ask any questions why.

**Jack:** Only if you also don't ask why

**Jack:** *Pulls out 7 pristine human skulls* Take your pick.

**Alice:** . . .

**Jack:** . . . 

**Alice:** This one is fine

**Troublemaking Servant:** Am I in trouble?

**Guda:** Take a guess.

**Troublemaking Servant:** No?

**Guda:** Take another guess.


	12. Chulainn's and all Chulainn related peeps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> EMIYA, Scathach, Cu, Alter, Edgemiya, Bartholomew, Proto, Fuuma, Shadow!Emiya (gotta figure out a name for him), CasCu, Mordred and Fran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! I would like to thank you for your comments and kudos! Absolute best. I hope you all enjoy this chapter and have a wonderful day! Stay safe out there!

**Shirou,** talking to his future self **:** Who are you?

**Emiya:** I’m you, but gayer.

**Scathach,** to Emiya **:** To my new child-in-law, I would say this:

**Scathach:** You have released me. This monster is yours now.

**Emiya:** You’re so stupid, why do I even like you?

**Cu:** Because I’m a good kisser.

**Alter:** Who hurt you?

**Edgemiya** , sarcastically **:** Would you like a list?

**Alter** , pulls out Gae Bolg **:** Yes.

**Bartholomew:** *hits on Fuuma*

**Proto:** I’m about to end this man’s whole career.

**Fuuma:** I scare people a lot because I walk very softly and they don’t hear me enter rooms, so when they turn around I’m just kind of there. Their fear fuels me.

**Proto,** furiously blushing **:** How did you get into my room?

**Fuuma:** Exactly.

**Shadow!Emiya:** We’re . . . friends.

**CasCu:** I’m going to set you on fire.

**CasCu,** to Alter **:** So, what’s going on between you and Edgemiya? I’m sensing some tension.

**CasCu,** later, to Cu **:** I didn’t sense any tension, I just wanted some drama and I figured Alter and Edgemiya were a good start.

**Edgemiya:** Okay, so, are we fighting or are we flirting? Because I am getting mixed signals here.

**Alter:** My hands are literally inches from your throat right now.

**Edgemiya:** That doesn’t answer my question.

**Fuuma,** about Proto **:** Why tall boyfriends are great. They are towering fortresses good for taking shelter from sun, rain, and vicious birds. Excellent hiding spot. They provide a path in crowds so we small ones can get through. Can be used as large pillows, 10/10 would recommend.

**Fuuma:** Drawbacks to having tall boyfriends. What do their faces look like? They’re always looking around like “SHIT where did my small boyfriend go? Did I lose them?” Worry not Proto I am down here.

**Emiya:** Wait. You like me???? For my personality????????

**Cu:** Yeah I was surprised too.

**CasCu:** Sleep makes me so mad to be honest. Do you know how much shit I could get done if this flesh prison didn’t require literal hours of laying there in a state of unconsciousness?

**CasCu:** That being said, if you deprive me of my sleep I will cry.

**Shadow!Emiya:** . . .

**Shadow!Emiya:** You’re a Servant CasCu, you don’t need to sleep.

**CasCu:** Nobody asked for your opinion.

*The Chulainns are having dinner together*

**Cu:** Proto, can you pass the salt?

**Proto:** *Throws Alter across the table*

**Proto:** Alter, help me please!

**Alter:** Got two words for you.

**CasCu:** I bet they won't be helpful.

**Alter:** Your problem.

**CasCu:** I was right

**Proto:** Damn it Alter, the one time I needed your help.

**Fuuma:** Don’t worry, I have a few knives up my sleeve.

**Proto:** I think you mean cards.

**Fuuma** , pulling knives out of his sleeves **:** No, I do not.

**Kotarou:** My boyfriend is too tall for me to kiss him, what should I do?

**Mordred:** Tackle him.

**Fran:** Get a box and stand on it.

**Mordred:** Dump him.

**Fran:** Jump.

**Mordred:** Punch him in the stomach and when he doubles over in pain kiss him.

**Proto,** very concerned at where this is going **:** You could ask me to bend down?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got a bit of news, some bad, some good. Bad news, there's only like, maybe two or three more chapters of this left. Maybe four. And I'll probably post sporadically as things come. Good news is that I'll have something else just as chaotic following this, although I doubt it's going to be posted regularly. Until then, see you all next week!
> 
> Also, thanks to MorgothII for brainstorming on some of these with me. Your helps appreciated!


	13. Chaos Crew Round Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Achilles, Bedivere, Cu, Diarmuid, Lily. Mordred

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! Thanks for your comment and kudos! Hope you all enjoy and hope you have a wonderful MLK Day!

**Achilles:** Bad things keep happening to me, it’s like I have bad luck or something.

 **Diarmuid:** Achilles, you don't have bad luck. I have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.

**Lily:** Bedivere was banned from the chicken shack, so we had to go out of town to get some.

 **Bedivere:** Well, they shouldn’t say “all you can eat” if they don’t mean it.

 **Lily:** Bedivere, you ate a chair.

**Cu:** Hah! 69! You know what that means!

 **Mordred:** What?

 **Diarmuid:** That you're a child.

 **Achilles:** HOW'D YOU GUESS MY IQ?!

**Diarmuid:** Dammit, Achilles!

 **Achilles:** What?! It wasn’t me!

 **Diarmuid:** Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, Cu!

 **Cu:** Not me either.

 **Diarmuid:** Mordred?

 **Modred:** Nope.

 **Diarmuid:** Oh...Then who set the house on fire?

 **Lily:** *whistles*

**Diarmuid:** I CAN'T DO IT!

 **Mordred** , laughing **:** I CAN'T EITHER!

 **Diarmuid:** I CANT FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE

 **Cu:** WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US.

 **Diarmuid:**. . . 

**Diarmuid:** I appreciate it,

 **Diarmuid:** BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH-

 **Achilles:** Diarmuid-

 **Diarmuid:** YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE!

 **Lily:** Diarmuid we gotta-

 **Diarmuid:** YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT.

 **Diarmuid:** YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?'

 **Diarmuid** , motioning to Bedivere cooking a Laḫmu **:** **_NOT FUCKING THIS_**

**Achilles:** You can de-escalate any situation by simply saying, 'Are we about to kiss?'

 **Achilles:** Doesn't work for getting out of speeding tickets, by the way.

**Diarmuid:** With great power comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.

**Lily:** Physically, yes, I could fight a bird. But emotionally? Imagine the toll.

**Mordred:** You think I really give a fuck? I can’t even read.

**Cu** , motioning to a Halloween display **:** All these ghosts! All these ghosts! I still can’t find a boo.

**Bedivere:** BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!

**Achilles:** Excuse me Madame . . . but I was curious as to what you look like under those tasteful fabrics you are wearing. Perhaps you would do me the honor of removing them and photographing your flesh so I can gaze upon your beauty?

 **Diarmuid:** Are you fucking kidding me right now.

 **Achilles,** running away while being shot at **:** IT WAS A JOKE ATALANTE!! A JOKE!! I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!! SOMEONE HELP!!!!

**Diarmuid:** We need to distract the others.

 **Lily:** Leave it to me.

 **Lily:** Centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects. Discuss.

 **Achilles:** How dare you insult Chiron like that!

 **Mordred:** Wait, she has a point.

 **Achilles, Cu, and Mordred:** *start arguing*

 **Bedivere,** watching in horror **:** Oh this . . . I don’t like this . . . I don’t like this at all . . .

**Bedivere:** Okay guys, 

**Bedivere:** _Holds up a grey shirt_

**Bedivere:** What color is this? 

**Mordred:** Grey 

**Achilles:** Grey? 

**Diarmuid:** Achilles why did you say grey like it was a question.

 **Cu:** It's grey, why are you asking 

**Bedivere:** Okay, now Lily, tell me what color you thought this was earlier 

**Lilly:** . . . D-dark white...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @TNMT for the last quote. Thanks for the help!


	14. Sib Shenanigans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eresh, Ishtar, ft Quetz & Guda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyo everyone! I would like to say thanks for all your comments and kudos! I hope you enjoy this chapter and have a wonderful day!

**Ishtar:** Don’t worry, I know exactly what I’m doing. Everything is going to be fine!

**Eresh:** How can you still say that?

**Ishtar:** Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have.

**Ishtar:** I'm incredibly fast at math.

**Eresh:** Alright, what's 30x17?

**Ishtar:** 47

**Eresh:** That's not even close.

**Ishtar:** But it was fast.

*when Ishtar went down to the Underworld*

**Ishtar:** Here's some advice

**Eresh:** I didn't ask for any

**Ishtar:** Too bad. I'm stuck here with my thoughts and you're the only one who talks to me

**Eresh:** I don’t talk to you. And I sure don’t listen to you either.

**Ishtar:** . . . 

**Ishtar:** As I was saying . . .

**Eresh:** How petty can you get?

**Ishtar:** Not to brag but I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

**Eresh,** trying to be suave **:** How's the sexiest person here~?

**Quetz:** I don't know, how are they~?

**Eresh,** flustered **:** I-

**Ishtar,** from across the room **:** I'm doing great, thanks!

**Ishtar:** We have fun, right Eresh?

**Eresh:** I’ve never been more stressed in my life.

**Eresh,** holding a bowl of cereal and a coffee pot **:** What if I put coffee in my cereal instead of milk?

**Ishtar,** walking past and taking the coffee pot **:** How about you don’t and go to sleep instead?

**Eresh:** Whomever took my coffee admit it and you’ll be forgiven.

**Ishtar, Quetz, and Guda:** . . .

**Eresh:** Smart. You knew I wouldn’t forgive you.

**Ishtar:** You're right.

**Eresh:** That's... That's an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

**Eresh:** I’ve never been in an actual snowball fight before.

**Ishtar:** Really?

**Eresh:** I don’t even know the rules. Is there a point system? Or is it to the death?

**Ishtar,** on the phone **:** Her Eresh? My hands are stuck in a Pringles tube.

**Ishtar:** Yes, both hands.

**Ishtar:** Listen, it’s not important how I dialed your number just come over here and get this thing off of me!


	15. We End Where We Began

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the Chaos Crew, final round

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! It's the finale chapter! ahhhhhh thank you to everyone whose left comments and kudos! Thank you so much for your support! I hope you enjoy this finale chapter and have a wonderful day!

**Lily:** Here, in front of me I have a majestic combination of bread and toppings. What do you suppose to call this? 

**Achilles:** A sandwich, duh. 

**Lily:** Yes, yes indeed a sandwich. But WHY a sandwich? What is the essence of a sandwich? How do we define the nature of a sandwich? What is the most important part of the sandwich? 

**Cu:** Isn’t a sandwich, I dunno, two pieces of bread, with something in the middle?

**Bedivere:** A sandwich is something that is neatly packed in layers. It is something that brings sustenance to the soul. 

**Mordred:** Lily you’re being stupid. A sandwich is a food item.

**Lily:** Your ambition is lacking. Cu, you limit what a sandwich could be by limiting what the outer layers could be. What of portabella mushrooms? They can form the outer layers of a sandwich too. And dear Bedivere- your definition is far too broad. Neatly packed in layers that bring sustenance defines the very nature of my bed. Mordred, you didn’t even try. A simple food item? That is what you come up with? Think farther. Open your mind upwards. Let us first ask ourselves how one constructs such a contraption of a sandwich. 

**Cu:** I . . . guess you start with bread? 

**Achilles:** What if I don’t like bread? Does that mean I don’t get sandwiches?

**Mordred:** Shut up about the bread. This is important, Carrot Top. No one cares if you don’t like bread.

**Lily:** Please, please! Back to the issue at hand! Does a sandwich not have to be edible? For example: a wise man named Sir Gordan Ramsey placed two slices of bread against one’s head; you would not call that a sandwich, would you?

**Achilles:** Hey! What are you trying to say? 

**Lily:** I am trying to say that sandwiches are a wider concept that can be applied to all of nature. Do you not agree? 

**Mordred:** A sandwich has to be edible. What the fuck is point if its not? 

**Lily:** Mordred, are you denying the gospel of Sir Gordan Ramsey? Do you think he is false? A sandwich is so much more than food! 

**Cu:** I mean, I guess, but what is the purest form of a sandwich? Aren’t you being too broad? Is it logical to compare a bed to a meatball sub? 

**Achilles:** Is a meatball sub a sandwich?????? 

**Mordred:** I mean, whatever. A sandwich has to be edible. So meatball sub, sure. A bed? NO! We are not goats. Cotton is not in our diet . . . Unless you’re Bedivere.

**Bedivere:** Mordred I wouldn’t eat a bed!

**Mordred:** Bet.

**Bedivere:** There is a limit to what I would eat!

**Mordred:** Bet.

**Lily:** Guys focus. The point is we as a culture mostly use sandwiches to define foods. But really, this understanding also extends to any version of two on the outside with something else in the middle. Notice, whenever we define food sandwiches, we always make clear what the sandwich is composed of, in order to clarify that it is indeed a food. Sandwich implies there are two things on the outside, but we define a sandwich based on what is on the inside, because that is what matters most. 

**Achilles:** Got it. What is important is what is inside us. 

**Lily:** No you idiot sandwich! Not inside us, inside the SANDWICH. What is on the outside is the bulk, while what is on the inside is the rhetorical heart of the sandwich. The very essence or soul. 

**Bedivere:** Is ravioli a sandwich then? I mean . . . it is a boiled version of an Uncrustable. Either way, I believe you are correct-- it is not about the specific contents of the sandwich, but rather the form. 

**Cu:** Urgh, I guess. Whatever. My brain hurts now.

**Lily:** We have come to a conclusion, then. 

**Mordred:** This is so stupid. I’m hungry. I’m going to go make a sandwich.

**Diarmuid:** . . .

**Diarmuid:** What the fuck did I just witness?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so in the future here's what I have planned.  
> Valantine's one shot!  
> Chaos Crew Shenanigans!  
> And stuff!  
> See you all around folks!


End file.
